Almost But Not Quite
Posted on September 22, 2013
So I have been MIA from this blog for such a long time. If you’ve been following this blog (does anyone actually follow this blog? lol), you’d know that the last post before this was last June to recap celebrating Yuchun’s birthday with fellow fans.
You see around after that time, I got busy (and stressed, don’t forget stressed) with work until around late July. And then after that, I got busy preparing to see Fall Out Boy for the third time.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a blast seeing them for the third time. It was actually an overwhelming experience for me as I got to hug Pete Wentz and Patrick Stump was ever so sweet to extend his hand for a handshake even though security was already pushing me. I’ve never been one to cry at fan events or concerts but I burst into tears during the concert especially when they played What a Catch, Donnie and Save Rock and Roll. I got to look back on everything that has passed.
It’s funny when images of the way you’ve lived your life so far rolls in front of you and you start to think about where you are and where you actually want yourself to be. And then it starts to get alarming when you realize that you don’t actually know where you want yourself to be.
Fall Out Boy had been a part of my journey. They have had such a great influence on me. I worshipped Pete’s writing and their music was exactly what I needed to listen to whenever I needed to get by times of loneliness and anger. I was, in a way, a free-spirited girl—one who delved into just about anything and could wear her heart upon her sleeve without any care. And I know I’ve told this story a lot of times before but I can’t help it whenever I do some reflecting on what life has been so far.
Somewhere along the way, I lost that. I lost that spark. I lost the ability to write whatever was on my mind because I always had to think how someone would react to what I said or how someone would interpret anything I write or draw or do. Not a day goes by that I regret making having to make a choice only to realize in the end that my choice was wrong.
Realizing all of this, I started to question my worth. I started to wonder if I’ll ever really get out of this slump because no matter what I try to do, I always seem to come right back to it, you know—that loneliness, that feeling that I’ll never be enough. I was uninspired. I had no appetite. I didn’t feel like doing anything else productive outside my responsibilities of work. I was a mess.
It didn’t really help that I didn’t have anyone to tell about it. Well, I did. But I never really told them the magnitude of what I felt because I was sort of ashamed of how I was feeling.
I kept to myself pretty much most of the time and I still do up to now. But I decided that I wanted to focus on myself and my art for a change so I decided to take a break from full on fangirling (which included co-admining a fansite.) I started to look through my archives of journals and papers here at home hoping to find the least bit of inspiration and it wasn’t just a futile attempt.
I felt then that I wanted to publish a book—something simple as I have not finished writing The Writing Dress (the novel I started writing for NaNoWriMo 2011) yet. And for that I started collecting some of the poems and vignettes I have written ever since I have started writing. It’s a collection to show how I started and show how my writing style has changed (and hopefully improved) as the time progressed.
I still am collecting random stuff from old blogs and journals for anything I find insightful or aesthetic that would go well with the book. It’s not gonna be the best but at least it’s a step to actually coming out there and not hide from myself anymore.
Apart from that, I have started to catch up on my to-read list because above everything else I really do want to finish writing my novel but my creative juices are running dry. I need some creative inspiration, if you know what I mean.
So far I have finished six (or seven) books ever since I started reading again:
- The Lover’s Dictionary by David Levithan
- Cinders (The Maisara Trilogy #1) by Heather Stone
- How to Deal (or Someone Like You and That Summer) by Sarah Dessen
- The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot
- The Princess Diaries: Take Two by Meg Cabot
- The Princess Diaries: Third Time Lucky by Meg Cabot
Currently, I am reading The Princess Diaries: Mia Goes Fourth by Meg Cabot as well as Ashes (The Maisara Trilogy #2) by Heather Stone and The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. I am also going to try reading a new genre (to me, at least) which my friend calls historical romance. She lent me three books of that genre and I can’t wait till I start reading one of them.
Earlier this year, I created a reading challenge on Goodreads to finish reading fifty books before the year ends. So far I’ve read twelve and am already twenty four books behind. Hopefully I can catch up.
I also grabbed the chance to enroll for a free online course at Coursera.org to help with my writing. The course is called Creating an Effective Writer: Tools of the Trade which is kind of like a refresher course to the basics of grammar and punctuation. Writing is, after all, improved through continous reading and practice.
It would take about six weeks and I am excited to finish and get a certificate when I do finish the course.
On top of that, I want to be able to update this blog more often than not (that is, if not regularly) so I could practice writing and stuff. These are all baby steps but I am praying so hard I could be able to come out of my shell, show people what I’ve got and actually get all the writing going.
I still need to work on myself though. I need to be able to trust my talents and believe in myself more than I give myself credit for. I am getting there, I just need to feel it more and then believe it. Until then I just have to keep on fighting for myself.