Posted on November 6, 2014
This was written last August on one of my other blogs somewhere but I decided to post this here now because it’s something I want to share to the public.
I started dreaming of becoming a writer when I was ten or eleven years old.
Ever since I started reading the Harry Potter series, I have always been amazed at how JK Rowling was able to create such a magnificent wizarding world that she can call her own. At how with just the wave of her imagination and with the flick of her wrist she was able to write seven books about Harry Potter and even now she is still able to supplement the world she has created with bits and pieces here and there with her companion stories.
I wanted to achieve what she has achieved. I wanted to be that kind of person—to be able to create and write a universe or setting or a story that I can call mine. To engage readers into reading something I had written.
And while I ended up with a different career path after more than a decade since I had dreamed the dream, the dream of seeing my name in the front cover of a book I had written is still here.
My life has been a continuous Ferris wheel ride. Sometimes I enjoy the upward motion and revel in the beauty and bliss given by small achievements. But then I start to dread the impending pull of gravity and how its downward pull is enough to make me feel sick to my stomach. All the small achievements would be forgotten in that one quick swoop of downward motion not until I find myself at the top once again.
It’s not always the same. Sometimes the journey to the top feels as if I can be suspended on air for so long and enjoy the majestic view from the top, but some other times I can’t even completely enjoy the journey to the top because before I know it I am already being dragged downward. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get myself out of. It’s like no matter what I do, I would always find myself down there, lost in the abyss of setbacks and insecurities.
I am a worrier. I worry that I am no good. I worry that I lack imagination. I worry that I lack knowledge. I worry that I do not have anything important to say. I worry that no one will ever take the time to read or listen. And it’s usually the worrying that’s keeping me from achieving something. Because before I even start fighting or struggling for something, all the worry just gets to me that I don’t even give myself the chance to try and do. And I end up with just a bunch of run-on sentences, incomplete drafts of journal entries, and unfinished ideas or stories.
This worrying and all the insecurities accompanying it is something that I have always been trying to keep at bay. Sometimes my will to feel okay enough wins; some other times I get in a rut that I lose the spark.
Today I was reading a book by Christopher Gutierrez and I chanced upon the words that was enough to push me into writing this journal entry. It was a struggle considering that I have been writing this for about four hours now and yet here I still am with enough will to finish this.
It took a while for me to find the voice in me that I wanted to be heard, to figure out what it was exactly that I wanted to express, but now it only comes to this:
I don’t want to hide behind my worries, my fears, and my insecurities. I don’t want to live a life of half-assed trying and maybes.
I want to fight strong. I want to just do. I want to finish.
Though my heart may be dented and rusted by heartaches and failures, I will keep trying because like Christopher Gutierrez said, it is not about being good; it’s about wanting to be good. And wanting to be good is enough push to actually be good because if you don’t at least want it, then you’re not going anywhere. And I want this. Goddamnit, I want it. And I won’t stop wanting it until I become it.
Maybe you will become successful, maybe not.
Maybe you will have the ability to live off your talents, maybe not.
Maybe you will feel embarrassed, maybe not.
Maybe people will tell you that you’re no good, irresponsible and unrealistic.
But who cares.
What the haters fail to realize that it’s not about being good.
It’s about WANTING to be good.
What the detractors and critics, unsupportive friends and anonymous commentors will never realize is that we have found something that makes our lives shine. That there is something we were born with that withers away and dies and leaves us old and rusted if it is not constantly watered from time to time with the creative spirit. That we may not have been born pretty or talented and sheltered from so many of life’s speedbumps by the fruits of our parents’ successes but that at the end of the day, we still paint.
And most of all, we create.
We give back to this world. A world where most people take and act like they deserve more.
Posted on September 20, 2014
On Thursday morning I received a text from my mom telling me to just work from home in the evening because she found out a storm was about to hit the country. I was already out drinking with friends then but I heeded her advice and went back to the office to fetch my office laptop.
I spent the evening working at our dining area at home while the storm was brewing outside. It wasn’t until around four or five in the morning that it started raining non-stop.
Once my shift ended, I moved to the bedroom and decided to curl up in bed and enjoy my rest with the cool bed weather. I woke up at around eleven and realized that the it was already raining harder and I could hear the wind howling outside.
Shortly after that we lost our electricity. I feared that the power outage would last until today so I decided to take advantage of still being able to read before it went completely dark in the evening.
I picked up Lisa Kleypas’ Tempt Me at Twilight which I had borrowed from a friend. I read it for the rest of the afternoon but finished it before dark so I decided to read Lang Leav’s Lullabies afterwards. It was a productive afternoon!
Although it was nice to not have to use the a/c last night I was already missing the sunny weather when the week started. There were flooded areas in the metro and other parts of the country because of the torrential rains. Hopefully the floods have subsided by now and we can all go back to normal programming.
Currently I am reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Narrative of John Smith as well as Christopher Gutierrez and Keltie Colleen’s The Imperfections of James and Kate.
And right now I am looking forward to an afternoon of musical marathon with my love tomorrow!
How about you, how are you spending your weekend? 🙂
Posted on July 7, 2014
Idina Menzel has always been someone I looked up to in terms of musical theater, especially after being part of the Original Broadway Cast of RENT as well as originating the role of Elphaba in Wicked. Apart from that, she also voiced the iconic Queen Elsa from Disney’s Frozen and sang the Academy Award-winning song “Let It Go”.
This year she made her return to Broadway with the new musical If/Then which is about Elizabeth, a woman in her late thirties who returns to New York City after a divorce. The storyline revolves around the question or phrase “What if?”, exploring two different paths that Elizabeth could take.
This week’s Music Mondays features one song from the musical called “Always Starting Over”, sung by Idina Menzel.
The song is one of the final songs from the musical and concludes that path that Elizabeth could have taken as “Liz”. “Liz” met an army doctor named Josh, who she eventually marries and have two children with. One of the songs prior to “Always Starting Over” reveals that Josh is then shipped overseas but then gets killed in line of duty. Liz is then left to take care of their two sons.
What I love about this song is the hope that Liz shows throughout. Despite having been divorced, she gave herself a new chance at love with Josh. She eventually loses Josh but despite that, she decides to take on a new life and start over.
Here are some memorable lines from the song:
“What the gods have to give, I’ll take and I’ll live and be bold!”
“All that’s ahead and all that’s behind, it’s all in the moment I make up my mind and open my heart and start!”
“My love, our life is over, but love, I’ll make you one last vow to start over and over and over somehow. My new life starts right now!”
Posted on May 17, 2014
Kindle readers, good news!
My book, Heartstrung, is currently free on Kindle! You can get your free copies from May 16, 2014 (12AM PST) to May 20, 2014 (12AM PST), so what are you waiting for? Get it now by going to the following link: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JLURMQ0! 😉