A few hours after my previous post was made public, a friend who had read my blog sent me a text asking what led me to find Jesus despite all the feeling of inadequacy and crippling self-doubt that I am struggling with from time to time. I was intimidated by the fact that this was someone who didn’t believe in God and that I may not be able to explain or describe exactly how the change came about. Since I was caught off guard I explained that Jesus dying on the cross reminded me of God’s love and whenever I am reminded of how tremendous God’s love is by sending us his one and only son to pay for our sins, the void that I have in my heart gets filled.
I know it might not have made a non-believer understand how Jesus dying on the cross and God’s love helped me with my daily struggles and it might not have been enough to explain how I started to believe because even I can’t explain it. I just felt it—felt that it was the right thing and that it’s the only thing that made sense. How can you explain something as intangible as a feeling or phenomenon that you can’t even name?
When I told some of the people I knew from the two years I was lost about my renewed faith, I could picture them vividly with their mouths gaping in surprise. I was a completely different person back then, full of hubris, that I could compare myself to Saul in the book of Acts before he was converted. Could we call it a miracle? Here was a man, a Pharisee, who persecuted a lot of Christians, until one day, the Lord appeared to him and he lost his sense of sight because the Lord had a plan for him.
15 But the Lord said to Ananias, “Go! This man is my chosen instrument to proclaim my name to the Gentiles and their kings and to the people of Israel.
— Acts 9:15 (NIV)
When Ananias went to the house where Saul was staying, just as the Lord had commanded him, he placed his hands on Saul. And when Saul was filled with the Holy Spirit, he regained his sight and was baptized. Like Saul, I had been blind. And when I opened myself up and was filled with the Holy Spirit, I was awakened. Everything that didn’t make sense before finally did.
Then my thoughts wandered over to one line from the film version of A Walk to Remember where Landon said, “Her love is like the wind—I can’t see it but I can feel it.” It was something that Jamie taught him which also brought me to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, another moving element in not just the film but the novel as well.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
This is probably one of the most quoted verses in the Bible but contrary to popular belief, love here doesn’t refer to romantic love. Love here transcends that. This love is so much more. This love is God. And if you equate God to love, then God is all the things mentioned in this verse. But even more so, if we go back to what Landon said and equate that love to God, then it’s almost like saying, “God is like the wind—I can’t see Him but I can feel Him.” (I’m doing a mental ‘yay!’ because I love it when I connect things heh).
It wasn’t what I did or anyone did that made me turn to God. God made me turn to God. By His relentless love, He made me see what I had been too blind to see before despite all my iniquities and imperfections. And so I began my walk with Him, and in many ways it is and will be a walk to remember. 🙂