If anyone had ever told me that I would not be writing on this blog for four years, I would have not believed them. But then life happened.
2020 was the year that brought the world into a standstill. For me personally, it drew me further inward. I was already an introvert who enjoyed spending most of her time at home, but the pandemic naturally became the excuse to avoid crowds and the awkwardness of having to ask people around for rides if I needed to get somewhere. The world (to me) had seemed like it was getting crazier and crazier. With the pandemic being at the forefront of the socio-economic and political turmoil all around the world, I was happy enough and content with being in my own bubble avoiding the spread of fake news on social media feeds and spending most of my days playing around with pencils and watercolors. What I did not know back then was that 2020 was later going to be a year of preparation and a season of rest for what was to come.
So where have I been the past four years?
If we know each other personally or if you follow me on Instagram (@trishasales), you might already know that I got pregnant in early 2021 and gave birth to a healthy baby boy later in the same year.
I thought I had prepared myself for becoming a parent. Just a couple of years before I got pregnant, I had started looking into topics such as homeschooling (Charlotte Mason, Maria Montessori, etc.) as well as gentle parenting. But barely anyone talks about the possible complications that one can go through in their pregnancy nor the stark change between carrying a child in utero to dealing with extreme loneliness and insecurity postpartum. People barely talk about the weight of the words you get from the older generation or people who became parents before you and how you end up constantly second guessing yourself and the choices that you make on behalf of your child. People barely talk about the disconnect you’ll feel from your spouse because being your child’s whole world can be too overwhelming that you feel like you don’t really have space for anything else, even for yourself.
When something was amiss, you end up feeling like it’s somehow all your fault and you rack up a list of things you could have done if you knew any better. But most of the time, it is what it is and you just have to deal with it head on.
I had what you could call a high risk pregnancy due to being diagnosed with gestational diabetes. But I was able to manage that with proper carb portioning and doing 15-20min walks after meals. I was induced at 39 weeks and welcomed our son a week before he was due. Breastfeeding was a struggle at first because my son had both tongue and lip ties which I was told at first were mild but when I finally decided to get a second opinion, we eventually decided to get both of them corrected and since then nursing him had been quite painless (and yes, enjoyable.)
My maternity leave felt like it went by quickly. I took an extra week off just so we can settle into a good sleeping schedule and routine for him since his body clock was still starting to regulate but that really didn’t make much difference since he would only fall asleep either beside me or nestled in the carrier while I (tried to) worked.
But then I struggled so much at work. I got promoted right around the time I started my maternity leave and so when I got back, I felt like expectations were high and I struggled with the idea that I wasn’t meeting people’s expectations. Shame and disappointment with myself were at an all time high. It didn’t help for me to see other women who had recently gotten back from maternity leave like I did seemed like they got it together at work, some of them even having the initiative to lead extra-curricular activities in the company.
Why do I feel like this?
Why can’t I be more like them?
Why am I stupid?
How did they manage to bounce back so quickly while here I am feeling like I don’t know anything?
These were the thoughts that I struggled with for a year postpartum. What I did not know then was that gentle parenting meant not just being a gentle parent to your child, but also being gentle to yourself. That in the same way that each child is different, each postpartum experience is also different. And that if we can be gracious enough to a growing and developing child, we can also extend the same grace to ourselves who are simply navigating life as best we can.
2023 was a year of rediscovering myself apart from my family. I started picking up the things that I had put off due to the busyness of adulthood and family life: I began working on crochet projects again. I got into counseling/therapy to help deal with my internal crises. I started writing on a journal to help deconstruct the jumbled thoughts that would often clutter my mind. I reconnected with my best friend from high school who was also a little bit less busy now compared to when she was a med student. Most importantly, I tried as best as I could to rebuild the intimacy and connection with my husband which I had put off as we both were in the throes of caring for a child, buying property, building a house, and figuring out where our little family fits in the grand scheme of things.
It’s not to say that things have been quite easy since then but we deal with things as they go and if something doesn’t work out the way we intend it to, I remind myself that we can grieve for what we lost but we can also rest in the thought that God’s mercies are new every morning.
Earlier this year, we found out we are expecting another baby due in October. This second pregnancy has mostly been similar with my first pregnancy, including the gestational diabetes diagnosis, and so I thought I already have an idea of what to expect.
While I wished I could have passed up on the gestational diabetes management again this time around, I wasn’t too worried about it because I did fine with it in my first pregnancy. In addition to that, my fasting glucose readings have been within range as compared to my previous pregnancy. But recently, I started being hard on myself again.
I got rolled off a client account I have worked with in the last year due to their recent company mandates about contingent workers and so I had to start on another project this month. Because my pregnancy is considered high risk, I am seeing two different providers for my pregnancy, my OBGYN and my perinatologist. In addition to that I am also seeing a chiropractor to help manage my lower back and inguinal pain from the pregnancy. Some days it’s hard to focus at work after I get home from these appointments just because I’d feel very tired after getting home from these appointments that I’d rather just lie around in bed and sleep.
The difference with work between this pregnancy and my first pregnancy was that during my first pregnancy, the project I had been working on was starting to wind down and so it wasn’t as busy and as stressful when I was in my third trimester. However with this new project, I am working with a whole new set of people that I’ve never worked with and there’s some learning curve that needs to be overcome. I started struggling with the adjustment and so the negative thoughts began pouring in again.
They probably think I’m stupid and incompetent.
Why can’t I finish this in a day or two?
Why can’t I understand this?
Why don’t I have the energy nor focus to just sit still and do it?
Then a few weeks ago, I almost got into an accident.
I had just left my chiropractor’s office and was headed to the nearby CVS Pharmacy to pick up my prescription. When I got to the crosswalk, I saw an SUV was approaching and positioning to make a left turn towards where I was. Since I saw them, I decided to wait for a bit and let them make their turn before I crossed. There weren’t any other cars in the main road but the SUV still did not make their turn so I thought they were allowing me to pass before they went ahead so I proceeded to cross. As I was already halfway through the right lane, the SUV revved up and made their turn. Fortunately, I wasn’t walking too quickly otherwise the SUV would have hit me right then and there. I stood frozen for a moment, inches away from what could have been such a terrible ordeal. The driver was also in shock as I saw what could have been either terror or annoyance from her eyes. I calmed myself down and motioned for her to just go ahead. I felt so confused and angry. I spent a few minutes in CVS Pharmacy trying to get rid of the shock and righteous indignation I was feeling before I proceeded to head home afterwards.
Was it my fault?
Why didn’t she see that I was already walking?
I was being extra careful and mindful of my surroundings whenever I cross the street…why did that happen to ME?
I started lamenting all the bad things. Apart from the gestational diabetes, during my first scan at the perinatologist, they saw an indication in the images that I am also at risk for having my blood pressure go up, so she prescribed me to take low dose aspirin once a day before going to bed. All my blood pressure readings throughout this pregnancy so far have been normal but I thought, okay, maybe it’s just related to the diabetes because that does pose risk for preeclampsia as well. It might also be genetic because my mom does have chronic hypertension and so did her parents.
But what really did it for me was when I was at my perinatologist last week for a follow up scan and in the images the sonographer saw what looked like a retroplacental bleed. I am not really sure what that means. My doctor tried to explain it to me but I still could not understand it and I can’t seem to find any helpful definitions on Google as well. I felt quite fine despite what they saw—no vaginal bleeding, no cramping, no contractions, etc. But she did tell me to refrain from lifting anything heavier than 10lbs and that if I do get some vaginal bleeding, to simply wear a pad and call my OBGYN. I asked her if it was bad and she said it can still go away but we will be monitoring it. If it gets worse it can lead to preterm labor which I definitely do not want right now.
I went home that morning feeling a little worse for wear to the point that I virtually cried to my best friend, and said, “Why can’t my body just have a normal, low risk pregnancy for once?” I felt anxious about my next appointment with the perinatologist. I hoped that the bleed or whatever that was would heal on its own and that I won’t get any more bad findings. I am already bracing myself that I would most likely be induced again at 39 weeks but I don’t think I would be able to handle any more unwanted surprises.
I felt defeated to say the least. I started thinking about what I could have done that may have caused all these things.
Did I overextend myself without me knowing?
Am I not positioning myself properly when I sleep?
And then I think about how I still am nowhere near getting my driver’s license. In a perfect world, I should be fine with practice driving and taking my behind-the-wheel sessions that are still pending with my driving school. But that near hit from a few weeks ago is still quite fresh in my memory. The thought that I almost lost my baby because of a car accident even though I made all the necessary precautions just scared the heck out of me. I am already quite anxious when I am driving out on the road, but what if I made one error and it costs me my life or the baby’s, or worse, someone else’s life? I felt quite frustrated and I kept second guessing myself and my anxiety. Driving would be helpful once the baby is here, yes. But what if in trying to get to that point I just introduce more complications to my already complicated pregnancy?
Being ready for the skills test also doesn’t seem quite realistic at this point, not with the huge amount of anxiety I need to overcome just to be confident enough to drive out on the road. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I feel terribly disappointed with myself.
Why am I such an anxious scaredy cat?
Why is it so hard for me to figure out how to properly back into a parking spot and make sure I stay within the lines?
Why is my body prone to glucose spikes and the risk of hypertension?
While most of my pregnancy symptoms were similar to my first pregnancy, a few other (unwanted) parameters seemed to have been added to the mix. At some point last week, I felt like I was spiraling down and I knew I had to be vulnerable about it and face it head on; otherwise I will just be stuck in that cyclical negative thought pattern.
I am nearing 30 weeks of pregnancy this week which means I only have 10 more weeks to go before the finish line (or 9 if I do get induced at 39 weeks). It’s weird that even though I’ve gone through this before, I feel like this second pregnancy went by a lot quicker than the first. Each day feels like I am running out of time.
I look at my firstborn and I feel a combination of pride and joy seeing the boy he’s becoming. But at the same time I feel a hint of sadness and grief when I look back on the unique bond we shared while we both navigated through each other’s firsts and how those days are long gone as we turn the page on a new chapter.
Do I feel like I have it covered this time around? Heck no. I know for sure I would still keep second guessing myself. I would still struggle with those negative thoughts and self-talk like I’ve listed above and unsolicited advice would still bother me. But I am thankful for the people who have my heart and remind me to be kinder and be more gentle with myself as I enter another season of slowing down. That sometimes there are some things that are simply out of our control and we can only try our best to work around it. This time around, I aspire to save a little space for myself so that I can be the best version of myself as a wife and mom for my husband and my kids.
So if you’re a mother like me who feels like you don’t have it all figured out, here’s a secret: No one really has it all figured out. We’re all trying our best here. It really boils down to what is in your heart and as long as what’s in your heart is good for you, your child, and your family, that is more than enough. God will honor that and He is more than able to sustain you through whatever it is that your heart desires.
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